Gone
I left Friday night after laying you down to sleep, to be with a woman in labor. It was a long night. I laid down around 4 a.m. and fell immediately to sleep. I instinctively jumped off the hospital couch when I heard a baby cry. I wasn't even awake, and I realized it was a newborn, and not you when my feet hit the cold floor.
I laughed to myself, at how well you've trained me. The last 2 1/2 years have been dictated by you. And, I don't mind at all.
I do mind this new struggle I find myself in, as a Midwife and mother.
How can I explain to you how difficult this love is. This love I have for you, and this love I have for what I am blessed to be able to do.
How will I explain, that when I leave you, it's not because I love you less, or love to be with other families more...
How will I feel, when I know I have to miss things with you, to be with someone else who needs me too. How will you feel? And, will you forgive me.
The first moments we held you were life altering.
Astonishment, at what was done, what had begun. The best parts of us were combined in you. The most innocent, amazing, unfathomable love... we were holding in our arms.
Those feelings are ours, forever. No matter what.
When I am with a woman in labor, when I see her glance at her partner for support, or in excitement, or fear... I know those looks, those thoughts, those feelings, and fears.
I think to myself, that soon... all of that will be blown away by the most indescribable love.
It's a joy, a blessing. To be in that intimate space, to see those fears, that love, the trust, the surrender, and the inexplicable shock, joy, excitement, and that love.
That love, is something I'll never tire of witnessing.
That love is what I feel constantly, for you, for our family.
That love sustains me, gives me hope in the world, and makes me strong.
That love gives me unimaginable joy, every second of every day.
You are that love. You are that joy.
Each and every moment of your life, brings us that.
The birth of a child, is all of that and more. It is unspeakable wonder. They never stop, those feelings and thoughts.... the birth of a child, continues enthrall us. As they grow and learn, so does our love.
How could anyone in the world not want to be a part of that, everyday?
So when it is time for me to go "to work," when I have to hug and kiss you goodbye, when I have to miss your infectious laugh, and your silly faces, your darling conversations, and your toe painting requests... when I have to be with someone else, while someone new is with you... my heart is breaking inside.
Because, how could you ever understand the joy you bring and the love you give. And, why would I ever want to miss it?
At each labor and birth, at each prenatal appointment. While I'm with these families, I'm thinking of you. I am thinking of the delight you bring to my life...and, I'm thinking of them. Those women, mothers, fathers, siblings... who will get to have that joy that you've given me. And, I get to witness it.
It can almost be called selfish, instead of a career.
Though, it leads me here...You've been wanting to sleep in your big girl bed.....you have a couple times, but you get up at night and come to our room. You tap my arm, and climb into bed with us, and we don't mind the kicks in the face, or the stealing of the pillows.
But, Friday night, that was the last night I laid you to sleep in your crib. You were napping when I got home Saturday afternoon. I awoke to shear joy, and excitement. To screams of delight, and gales of laughter.
I pulled myself out of bed, because exhaustion is nothing next to your face...and, I walked into your room to find your crib was gone.
There you were. My baby girl, bouncing on what had become a "big girl bed."
I missed it. That moment. It was gone forever now. I had no idea that Friday night was the last time I'd lay my baby down.
Later, that night as you laid with me, you kissed my face and said, "I love you sweet mommy girl, " and I knew...
I knew you are not a baby anymore. You are a big girl, you are growing, and learning. You are becoming the most wonderful girl...and, I am going to miss parts of it along the way. But, I am never gone from you.
Yet, each time I'm away from you, each moment I miss... it's you I see in each baby born, you are the joy I feel, and see each time. And, I am blessed all over again.
I laughed to myself, at how well you've trained me. The last 2 1/2 years have been dictated by you. And, I don't mind at all.
I do mind this new struggle I find myself in, as a Midwife and mother.
How can I explain to you how difficult this love is. This love I have for you, and this love I have for what I am blessed to be able to do.
How will I explain, that when I leave you, it's not because I love you less, or love to be with other families more...
How will I feel, when I know I have to miss things with you, to be with someone else who needs me too. How will you feel? And, will you forgive me.
The first moments we held you were life altering.
Astonishment, at what was done, what had begun. The best parts of us were combined in you. The most innocent, amazing, unfathomable love... we were holding in our arms.
Those feelings are ours, forever. No matter what.
When I am with a woman in labor, when I see her glance at her partner for support, or in excitement, or fear... I know those looks, those thoughts, those feelings, and fears.
I think to myself, that soon... all of that will be blown away by the most indescribable love.
It's a joy, a blessing. To be in that intimate space, to see those fears, that love, the trust, the surrender, and the inexplicable shock, joy, excitement, and that love.
That love, is something I'll never tire of witnessing.
That love is what I feel constantly, for you, for our family.
That love sustains me, gives me hope in the world, and makes me strong.
That love gives me unimaginable joy, every second of every day.
You are that love. You are that joy.
Each and every moment of your life, brings us that.
The birth of a child, is all of that and more. It is unspeakable wonder. They never stop, those feelings and thoughts.... the birth of a child, continues enthrall us. As they grow and learn, so does our love.
How could anyone in the world not want to be a part of that, everyday?
So when it is time for me to go "to work," when I have to hug and kiss you goodbye, when I have to miss your infectious laugh, and your silly faces, your darling conversations, and your toe painting requests... when I have to be with someone else, while someone new is with you... my heart is breaking inside.
Because, how could you ever understand the joy you bring and the love you give. And, why would I ever want to miss it?
At each labor and birth, at each prenatal appointment. While I'm with these families, I'm thinking of you. I am thinking of the delight you bring to my life...and, I'm thinking of them. Those women, mothers, fathers, siblings... who will get to have that joy that you've given me. And, I get to witness it.
It can almost be called selfish, instead of a career.
Though, it leads me here...You've been wanting to sleep in your big girl bed.....you have a couple times, but you get up at night and come to our room. You tap my arm, and climb into bed with us, and we don't mind the kicks in the face, or the stealing of the pillows.
But, Friday night, that was the last night I laid you to sleep in your crib. You were napping when I got home Saturday afternoon. I awoke to shear joy, and excitement. To screams of delight, and gales of laughter.
I pulled myself out of bed, because exhaustion is nothing next to your face...and, I walked into your room to find your crib was gone.
There you were. My baby girl, bouncing on what had become a "big girl bed."
I missed it. That moment. It was gone forever now. I had no idea that Friday night was the last time I'd lay my baby down.
Later, that night as you laid with me, you kissed my face and said, "I love you sweet mommy girl, " and I knew...
I knew you are not a baby anymore. You are a big girl, you are growing, and learning. You are becoming the most wonderful girl...and, I am going to miss parts of it along the way. But, I am never gone from you.
Yet, each time I'm away from you, each moment I miss... it's you I see in each baby born, you are the joy I feel, and see each time. And, I am blessed all over again.
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